If you get consistent ongoing help and support, then you’ll be better able to help your children as you heal. Do avail of counselling if needed or join a local support group e.g: Divorcecare (3).

If a parent leaves unexpectantly without warning, they will tend to think that their remaining parent will leave them too and become very anxious and fearful. Children are less likely to develop separation anxieties if they are prepared for the parental separation in advance. Both parents (if possible) should give an explanation that the children can understand as to why the breakdown is occurring (without entering in to ‘a blame game’) and what to expect in the future. Allow them to ask questions and voice their concerns. Be prepared that you may need to repeat the explanations on a regular basis to help them process what has happened. They must be reassured of their permanent and ongoing relationship with both parents and that they are not to blame for the breakdown (1b, 2b) 

If possible, the non-custodial parent should phone or visit the child every day in the first week or so. Visitation schedules from there on should be consistent and regular and not casually or randomly followed. Predictability is vital to the child’s security to prevent issues with separation anxieties, especially with younger children (1b, 2b)

Do not give up on them, even if they protest or don’t want to see you. Remember you are the adult. 

Failure to keep promises can lead to insecurities in them and mistrust and credibility in you as a parent (1b, 2b).

Children need the predictability of their normal routine to help them feel secure (1a, 2a).

They will feel like they are being used as spies! It also puts the child under undue pressure and anxiety, regardless of their age, to perform in ‘an adult role’ for their parents. Do establish good communication with your former spouse in relation to the children (1a, e 2b)

The child can feel like they are being interrogated. This will cause undue anxiety for your child and make them apprehensive about sharing good or bad things about their visits. They will have a natural protective link with both parents. (1a, e; 2a, b)

Keep them informed of any potential changes well in advance. Allow them time to express how they feel and if they have any questions (1a, 2b).

Your children have emotional bonds to both parents and need permission to love and care for both parents without feeling guilty. Being encouraged to ‘choose a parental camp’ by a parent will cause great emotional inner conflict for your child, where they feel they are being torn apart in two different directions. It is so important for the child to have contact with both parents on a regular basis and feel the security of their love (1e, 2b).

Even though the criticism is directed at the other parent, children will absorb the contempt as if it were directed at them. Children identify themselves with their parents and so can experience their parent’s rejection of their former spouse. This identification is particularly strong in the same-sex parent. e.g. it is impossible for a daughter to grow up and feel good about herself as a woman if her father calls her mother fat or stupid. The same is evident for a son whose mother demeans his father. Family membership, including the extended family, bestows a deeply reassuring sense of belonging, which still needs to be nurtured and protected to maintain strong ties of security (1a, e; 2b)

It is best if parents can agree on common rules and child rearing practices to maintain consistency. Parenting can often become quite permissive following a family breakdown because parents feel guilty. They can also have difficulty enforcing the disciplinary role of the absent parent. Children will feel safer and more secure if their parents discipline effectively by setting clear boundaries and consequences and follow through with them using techniques like timeout (1a, e; 2b).

A child can quite naturally feel like they are to blame for the family breakdown anyway, even though they are not. This is because they think the whole world revolves around them and that everything is affected by them. Consequently, even an innocent argument in the parental relationship about the child prior to the breakup can instigate a trail of thought that think they are to blame for the breakdown. This can mean that the child assumes the whole burden of guilt unnecessarily which can lead to anger issues as they are increasingly unable to cope with the weight of guilt (1a, 2b)

This can manifest in three ways 1) When children provide security or direction for their parent. 2) When they meet parents’ needs for closeness or companionship or, 3) the child runs the household and become primary caregiver for younger siblings. This usually occurs with the older children in the family and the long-term potential effects won’t be evident until the transitional period in their life’s between adolescence and early adulthood. As children, they have been ‘the perfect child’, not displaying any behaviour or emotional symptoms, but instead are exceptionally well behaved. However, due to their emotional needs not being met as children, they may have difficulties becoming emotionally intimate as adults. There may also have difficulties leaving home, due to emotional ties with the parent and feelings of guilt. Consequently, they can become resentful of their parent.  Additionally, as their basic model for relationships is to take care of others, they will naturally feel overly responsible for everyone and may have difficulties as adults saying ‘No’, setting limits or meeting their own legitimate needs (1f) 

This practice can be very damaging for your children long term. When angry parents act in irresponsible ways in front of their children, they often can develop long standing problems with low self-esteem, low grades as school, being defiant and angry towards parents, teachers, and friends (1e; 2b)

This will help build security so that the child feels safe and at home wherever they are. It will also reduce the anxiety of forgetting things that they leave in the other parent’s house (1b, 2b) 

Your child is not your confident. These discussions should be aimed at your adult peer group. See information in role reversal parentification (1f)

This can happen when your child is in denial of what has happened. These feelings can be understandable and natural initially to help them cope with the initial shock and anxiety by denying what has occurred. Even if their parents want to separate, the children don’t want it. However, if parents don’t give explanations for the breakdown or inform them whenever the divorce is final and that there is nothing, they can do about it, they will get stuck and be unable to move forward. This issue can be fuelled and become problematic whenever one parent doesn’t want the divorce and will enlist the child’s help to encourage the other parent to stay married. Alternatively, another reason why these fantasies become problematic is when the child has already exerted too much control over the parental coalition relationship, prior to the breakdown, where they’ve learnt to come between their parents and play them off against each other. Consequently, following the breakdown, they think they can do the same to bring them back together. These children can become very demanding, disrespectful, or hard to discipline (1a,c, 2b)