Don’t be afraid of using words like ‘dead’ or ‘dying’, because young children can easily think that their loved one can come back if you use soft concept language like ‘gone to sleep’, ‘lost’, ‘passed away’ or ‘departed.

The child will guide you as to how much information they want to know and how much they can handle. Use concrete language relating to the biological processes like ‘they can’t walk, talk, eat or breathe anymore like us.’ Try to avoid big long detailed information. Assess what your child already knows by asking them simple questions and then add enough to help them understand. Allow plenty of time for questions and answer them as simply and honestly as you can.

Sometimes adults are so overwhelmed by their own grief, that they overlook the emotional and physical needs of the grieving children.  Even though you may feel totally drained, reaching beyond yourself to look after the needs of others can actually play a part in your own healing.

If you get consistent ongoing help and support, then you’ll be better able to help your children. If needed, do avail of counselling, or join a local support group such as Griefshare, or Cruse Counselling service.

Children need the predictability of their normal routine to help them feel safe and secure. It reassures them that their needs will be met despite the unrest. It will also help to calm any fears that they may have.

A child thinks the whole world revolves around them and that everything is affected by them. Consequently, even an innocent argument with a parent prior to their sudden death, can make children think they are to blame. This can mean that the child assumes a massive burden of unnecessary guilt which they are frightened to share with anyone.

It is beneficial for children to see their parents cry, and It gives the children permission to validate their feelings though tears too.  However, do not frighten your children by uncontrolled grief, or expect them to meet your emotional needs.  It is wrong to lean on your children. Instead, lean on the Everlasting Arms provided by God (Deuteronomy 33:27).

Their participation will help them to acknowledge the reality of what has happened and that their loss and feelings are important too. It’s part of them saying goodbye. However, it is imperative that things are explained to the children prior to the funeral or viewing of the body and that they are given a choice. If they decide to attend, do allocate a caring relative to care for them as the parent will be preoccupied.

Such things as photo albums, pictures, and memory boxes help children talk about their loved one and their feelings of loss.

A major concern children have after losing a loved one, is that they may lose yet another parent or loved one.  They wonder who would look after them if something happened to their primary care givers. Do reassure them that you hope you will be with them for a long time. You could, however, give them the names of close family members who would look after them if something happened to you.

Parental boundaries are crossed when children start parenting their parent. This manifests when children are called upon to provide security of direction for their parent, run the household or even become the primary caregiver for younger siblings.  Robbed of their childhood, they may eventually become resentful of their parent or have feelings of guilt if they move away to pursue their education or career. Because their basic model for relationships is to take care of others, they may have difficulty setting personal boundaries or meeting their own legitimate needs.

For example, a male relative, such as an uncle can volunteer to be fatherly role model and take a male child to football matches. A female relative like an aunt/grandmother can take a girl shopping, help with hair style, or explain body changes such as menstruation. 

For many months following a bereavement you will feel physically drained, exhausted and overwhelmed. Sometimes this can lead to discipling irrationally — especially whenever children ‘act out’ how they feel. Do ask for extra support whenever you need it until you feel a lot stronger and are better able to cope.

Grieving children will ‘act out’ how they feel but they still need effective boundaries in place to give them security. Passive parenting is when you let your children get away with things you wouldn’t normally allow. You may feel ‘too pooped to parent’, but absconding your responsibility will prove detrimental in the long run.

Well-meaning adults, who may be supporting family members around the time of bereavement, may inadvertently say off-hand statements like this thinking they are being helpful. However, this can be very detrimental for children or teens because they may think that their parent’s grief is more important than theirs and that they shouldn’t bother them with their own feelings. They will be sentenced to grieve in isolation with nowhere to go for help. They can also assume an adult role prematurely and struggle with the unnecessary burden of responsibility too early in life. If you notice a stoic, unnatural behaviour in one of your children, do ask if anyone made them feel that they couldn’t talk with you.

Each person’s grief journey is very personal and unique. You need to discover your own path to healing, no matter how long that takes. Don’t feel that you have to follow other people’s expectations of how long you should grieve. Be true to yourself. Choices that have helped other people may not suit you. GriefShare recommends that you follow the 

A, B, C’s of grief: Always be true to yourself, Believe that you’ll make it through and Communicate your needs – remember that people care for you.

Journey through grief actively, rather than passively.  You must take charge of your grief, rather than avoid it. GriefShare suggests that there are five tasks of grief that should be completed: 1) Accept your loved one has died 2) Release your emotions 3) Store your memories 4) Separate your identity 5) Reinvest in life.

Don’t give up on yourself, the pain will lessen. Although life will never be the same, it can be good again.  Emotional healing will have begun when you have accepted and adapted to a new normal.

Grief can be mentally and emotionally disruptive which can lead to panic choices that you may later regret. Also, it is best that children not to undergo more changes than necessary. Familiar surroundings will ground them and make them feel secure.

Remember that you are not single – You are the head of a family, and must consider not only your own needs, but also the needs of your children. Be careful about allowing the people you date to establish friendships with your children unless a relationship reaches the engagement level.  If your children get close to numerous people who come in and out of their lives, they may well develop something psychologists call ‘Attachment Disorder.”  Furthermore, when you feel that you have found “The One,” do take the opinions of your children seriously.  Often they can see things you don’t see, and remember that anyone you marry, will be sharing your parental role.