Questions or Worries a Child may have Following a Family Breakdown
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What Will Happen to Me?
Children will worry and try fill in the gaps themselves if they aren’t kept informed about things. Explanations should be simple, clear and age appropriate. Children’s imaginations tend to work overtime and usually what they’ve imagined is probably worse than reality.
Will my parents stop loving me?
Young children take things very literally due to lack of cognitive understanding. Consequently, it makes sense to them that if their parents can stop loving each other, then they can stop loving them. Children will need constant reassurance of a parent’s love, with lots of affection given on a regular basis. If possible, tell them that both parents will always love them and want to be involved in their lives.
Who will look after me if something happened to my mum/dad? / Who will keep me safe?
No matter what age a child may be, they instinctively know that they can’t take care of themselves. If this worry isn’t addressed, it will cause anxiety. Thus, it is imperative to reassure children that there will always be someone to look after them. If necessary, give them a list of people who will always love them and be available to take care of them. It is good to make them aware that there are many people who care about them.
Did I cause this? / Is this my fault?
It’s hard to comprehend, but many children feel responsible for their family’s breakdown. Whether your children voice this or not, it is so important to reassure them that family breakdown is an adult issue, and even though it affects them, they can never be the cause of the family breakdown. If they have voiced this worry, do ask them how they have come to this conclusion so you can dispel any misconceptions – e.g. not being good enough, being naughty, fighting with siblings or not being obedient.
If, in the past, you told your child that your relationship/marriage breakup was their fault, do apologise. Tell them that, in anger, you lashed out and said things that were untrue and hurtful. Make sure they understand that the breakup was a result of unresolvable issues between you and your ex-partner. They are not responsible for what happened, nor could they fix it.
Will my non-custodial parent stop seeing me?
These are very real fears for children, often based on real life experience. If you are the non-custodial parent, your child needs you now more than ever. Be sure to affirm your love for them at every opportunity. It is imperative that you are consistent in your visitation schedule and keep your promises. Predictability is vital to children’s feelings of security.
Your appointments with them must be set in stone, or they will quickly lose their trust that you really care for them.
Remember that younger children don’t understand the concept of time projected into the future, so they will find it difficult to be reassured when you say that you will see them in a few days.
Do not become annoyed by their crying or constant need for reassurance.
Do not give up on your child, even if they get upset when leaving the custodial parent. This can be distressing for you as a parent, but this is because they are frightened that the other parent will abandon them while they are away.
Whether you are the custodial, or non-custodial parent, it might be a good idea to phone your children at specific times (like before bedtime) on the days that you don’t see them to give extra reassurance that you love them and are there for them.
Will my custodial parent leave me too?
Fears of abandonment are normal for all children in early childhood. However, these fears are considerably exacerbated in a family breakup because it’s like their worst nightmare coming true. It is usually with the custodial parent that children will exhibit the most separation anxiety. This can sometimes manifest whenever the child is going to visit the non-custodial parent due to worry that the custodial parent will still be there whenever they come home. This can easily be mistaken by the non-custodial parent that the child doesn’t want to go with them, but it is most likely just separation anxiety.
Children will also tend to ‘act out’ more with the custodial parent. This is because they feel safe to be real about how they are feeling in a familiar environment with the person who spends the most time with them.
Again, children need constant reassurance that you will be there for them, and you won’t be leaving. Do keep them informed in advance of any changes that are imminent.
Bibliography
- Hawthorne, J., Jessop, J., Pryor, J., and Richards, M.: Supporting children through family change: A review of interventions and services for children of divorcing and separating parents, York: Joseph Rowntree Foundation, (2003).
- Hogan, D., Halpenny, A.M., and Greene, S.: ‘Change and continuity after parental separation: Children’s experiences of family transitions in Ireland’, Childhood, Sage Publications, May, 2003.
- Dunn, J.: ‘The adjustment of children in stepfamilies: Lessons from community studies’, Child & Adolescent Mental Health, (2002), pp 7, 154-161.
- Dunn, J., and Deater-Deckard, K.: Children’s Views of Their Changing Families., York: Joseph Rowntree Foundation, (2001).
- Rodgers, B., and Pryer, J.: Divorce & Separation: The Outcomes for Children, York: Joseph Rowntree Foundation, (1998).
- Tyber, E.: Helping Children Cope With Divorce, Jossey-Bass, (2001).
- Yehl Marta, Susie: Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope, Rodale, (2003).
- Breakthrough Britain 11: ‘Fractured Families: Why stability matters’, Report. The Centre for Social Justice, (2003).
- Wade, A. and Smart, C.: Facing Family change: Children’s circumstances, strategies and Resources, York: Joseph Rowntree Foundation, (2002).