Grieving Children’s Behavioural Patterns
Due to lack of emotional maturity and diminished vocabulary to verbalise how they feel, grieving children will often act it out. Hence, behavioural changes can be common in a grieving child or adolescent, most of which are a normal reaction to a significant loss such as death or family breakdown.
Most people recognise the obvious signs of grieving such as crying or sadness, but temper tantrums, withdrawal behaviours, drop in grades at school or a change in attitude also give insight into the emotional state of a child. Dramatic shifts such as these can indicate unresolved issues of grief and anger.
One would expect behavioural changes to happen immediately after the loss event, but they can manifest months or years later. During the first year of loss, a child usually receives a lot of support from extended others — e.g. teachers, club leaders etc. However, empathy is not always so forthcoming when behaviour changes and manifestations of grief are delayed.
Often, unintentionally, people tend to rush both kids and adults through their grief to ‘be better.’ But as each person’s grief journey is very personal, one cannot put a time clock on it. In fact, the second year of a child’s grief journey tends to be more troubled, because during the first year, they are somewhat protected in the numbness, shock and denial of their loss. Only in subsequent years, when they start to ‘defrost,’ does the reality of the situation start to sink into them.
Normal and Abnormal Responses According to Age and Helpful Responses
Birth – 18 Months
Normal Grief Responses |
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Abnormal Grief Responses |
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Helpful Responses |
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Normal Grief Responses
- Clingy, demands for affection or attention, but easily consoled
- Disturbed sleeping patterns or lethargy
- Irritability, anxiety or fearful
- Change in eating habits / refusing bottles
Normal Grief Responses
- Clingy, demands for affection or attention, but easily consoled
- Disturbed sleeping patterns or lethargy
- Irritability, anxiety or fearful
- Change in eating habits / refusing bottles
Abnormal Grief Responses
- Prolonged sleep disturbance
- Persistent, exaggerated clinginess or crying with or without the main carer
- Weight loss
- Sustained irritability or separation anxiety
Helpful Responses
- Maintain the child’s normal routine as much as possible
- Minimise separation from primary care giver
- Give plenty of love, nurture and reassurance
- Try to maintain a peaceful environment as much as possible
18 Months – 3 Years
Normal Grief Responses |
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Abnormal Grief Responses |
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Helpful Responses |
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Normal Grief Responses
- Persistently asks for missing parent or loved one
- Clingy, demanding for attention and affection
- Change in eating / sleeping habits
- Change in temperament – may become agitated, aggressive, hitting or biting
- Irritable and fearful
- Regressive behaviour – e.g. bedwetting, thumb sucking
Normal Grief Responses
- Persistently asks for missing parent or loved one
- Clingy, demanding for attention and affection
- Change in eating / sleeping habits
- Change in temperament – may become agitated, aggressive, hitting or biting
- Irritable and fearful
- Regressive behaviour – e.g. bedwetting, thumb sucking
Abnormal Grief Responses
- Prolonged, persistent pining
- Exaggerated clinginess over a prolonged period
- Very fearful and prolonged separation anxiety
- Due to fear of another loss or abandonment, shows strong resistance to form new attachments with people.
- Prolonged, agitated behaviour patterns
Helpful Responses
- Maintain the child’s normal routine as much as possible
- Give constant reassurance of love
- Offer consistent nurture through cuddling and holding
- Limit separation from main carer
- Find appropriate ways to help them release their anger and frustration
- In family breakdown, encourage meaningful time with each parent
- Keep explanations honest but simple
- Give reassurance that it’s not their fault
4 – 6 Years
Normal Grief Responses |
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Abnormal Grief Responses |
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Helpful Responses |
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Normal Grief Responses
- Regressive behaviour – e.g. bedwetting, thumb sucking
- Aggression and hostility towards other children
- Very irritable and clingy
- Can become very insecure and anxious. Cries easily due to fear of abandonment
- Pines for missing parent/loved one and persistently asking for them
- Fantasy thinking about parent returning (both in death & family breakdown)
- Psychosomatic symptoms – e.g. headaches, stomach aches
Normal Grief Responses
- Regressive behaviour – e.g. bedwetting, thumb sucking
- Aggression and hostility towards other children
- Very irritable and clingy
- Can become very insecure and anxious. Cries easily due to fear of abandonment
- Pines for missing parent/loved one and persistently asking for them
- Fantasy thinking about parent returning (both in death & family breakdown)
- Psychosomatic symptoms – e.g. headaches, stomach aches
Abnormal Grief Responses
- May have ‘imaginary friends’
- Prolonged psychosomatic symptoms
- Persistent, exaggerated pining
- Nightmares, won’t sleep alone
- Total denial of event — ‘shut down’
- Decrease in functioning ability – ‘can’t cope with anything’
Helpful Responses
- Plan intentional time together
- Find appropriate ways to help them release their anger and frustration
- Explain any changes that are happening simply and clearly. You may need to repeat them often
- Significant others should give constant reassurance and love — especially in the case of family breakdown
- In family breakdown, if there are no child protection issues, children should have regular contact with both parents
7 – 10 Years
Normal Grief Responses |
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Abnormal Grief Responses |
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Helpful Responses |
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Normal Grief Responses
- Can become very insecure and anxious. Cries easily due to fear of abandonment
- Anxious or worrying about family welfare – e.g. who will take care of them? May have a ‘survival plan’ in case another loss event happens
- Sleep disturbances and nightmares
- Prevailing underachievement in schoolwork due to lack of concentration
- Preoccupation with death or further loss
- Behavioural changes – e.g. conflicts with friends/picking fights
- Will be very self-conscious about family being different
- Psychosomatic symptoms – e.g. headaches, stomach aches
- Withdrawal behaviour from friends and activities
- Can struggle with feelings of guilt – can lead to anger or depression
- In family breakdown – anger with custodial parent & non-custodial parent due to loyalty conflicts within the child, problems with self-identity, and fantasies about parents reconciling
- “Perfect” child – brave and in control of emotions
Normal Grief Responses
- Can become very insecure and anxious. Cries easily due to fear of abandonment
- Anxious or worrying about family welfare – e.g. who will take care of them? May have a ‘survival plan’ in case another loss event happens
- Sleep disturbances and nightmares
- Prevailing underachievement in schoolwork due to lack of concentration
- Preoccupation with death or further loss
- Behavioural changes – e.g. conflicts with friends/picking fights
- Will be very self-conscious about family being different
- Psychosomatic symptoms – e.g. headaches, stomach aches
- Withdrawal behaviour from friends and activities
- Can struggle with feelings of guilt – can lead to anger or depression
- In family breakdown – anger with custodial parent & non-custodial parent due to loyalty conflicts within the child, problems with self-identity, and fantasies about parents reconciling
- “Perfect” child – brave and in control of emotions
Abnormal Grief Responses
- Prolonged withdrawal from normal activities and friends
- Prolonged fear of going to sleep / sleeping alone
- Continued persistent, physical aggression
- Prolonged depressive symptoms
- Protracted, persistent, psychosomatic symptoms
- Persistent, prolonged fears of catastrophe
- Persistent anxiety or worry
- Preoccupation with further loss /abandonment
Helpful Responses
- Maintain normal routines as much as possible. Introduce any changes slowly with a lot of preparation & explanation
- Maintain good communication – give honest answers to their questions as often as they need it
- Give constant reassurance verbally and physically
- Discuss the situation with teachers
- Ask extended family or friends for additional support
- Find appropriate ways to help them release their anger and frustration
- In family breakdown do not use children as message carriers, and be mindful not to say negative things about the ex- partner in front of children. Ensure that children see both parents as much as possible and can contact/communicate with the non-custodial parent freely. DO NOT make your child choose between parents or take sides
11 – 18 Years
Normal Grief Responses |
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Abnormal Grief Responses |
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Helpful Responses |
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Normal Grief Responses
- Can become easily overwhelmed, crying at inappropriate times or ‘for no apparent reason’
- Withdrawal from friends and normal activities.
- Sadness, loneliness
- Dramatic mood changes from anger to depression
- Negative self-talk, low self-esteem
- Changes in sleep patterns – e.g. excessive fatigue or prolonged sleeping habits
- Changes in eating habits – e.g. comfort eating or loss of appetite
- Self-conscious of their family being different
- Loss of identity and sense of belonging
- Becomes very insecure, anxious, or fearful
- Psychosomatic symptoms – e.g. migraines, general aches and pains
- Academic decline or indifference – ‘don’t care’ attitude
- Preoccupied with perfection and doing things right
- Have dependent/independent conflicts
- Bravado behaviour – joking, sarcasm, outward denial of inner turmoil
- Overcompensates for emotional emptiness with desire for material things
- Very aware and sensitive to family tensions
- In family breakdown – feel caught in the middle, loyalty or hostility conflicts with both parents, worry about custody arrangements, guilt feelings
Normal Grief Responses
- Can become easily overwhelmed, crying at inappropriate times or ‘for no apparent reason’
- Withdrawal from friends and normal activities.
- Sadness, loneliness
- Dramatic mood changes from anger to depression
- Negative self-talk, low self-esteem
- Changes in sleep patterns – e.g. excessive fatigue or prolonged sleeping habits
- Changes in eating habits – e.g. comfort eating or loss of appetite
- Self-conscious of their family being different
- Loss of identity and sense of belonging
- Becomes very insecure, anxious, or fearful
- Psychosomatic symptoms – e.g. migraines, general aches and pains
- Academic decline or indifference – ‘don’t care’ attitude
- Preoccupied with perfection and doing things right
- Have dependent/independent conflicts
- Bravado behaviour – joking, sarcasm, outward denial of inner turmoil
- Overcompensates for emotional emptiness with desire for material things
- Very aware and sensitive to family tensions
- In family breakdown – feel caught in the middle, loyalty or hostility conflicts with both parents, worry about custody arrangements, guilt feelings
Abnormal Grief Responses
- Excessive, prolonged worry or anxiety
- Extreme anger which masks intense emotional pain
- Drug / alcohol abuse
- Early sexual activity
- Dramatic change in eating habits — e.g. anorexia, bulimia
- Trouble with the law or gang activity
- Prolonged, protracted depression and talk of suicide
- Protracted, persistent psychosomatic illnesses
Helpful Responses
- Maintain normal routines as much as possible. Introduce any changes slowly with a lot of preparation & explanation
- Maintain good communication – give honest answers to their questions as often as they need it
- Give constant reassurance verbally and physically
- Discuss the situation with teachers
- Ask extended family or friends for additional support
- Find appropriate ways to help them release their anger and frustration
- In family breakdown do not use children as message carriers, and be mindful not to say negative things about the ex- partner in front of children. Ensure that children see both parents as much as possible and can contact/communicate with the non-custodial parent freely. DO NOT make your child choose between parents or take sides
- Maintain good communication channels — Create protected times to talk with uninterrupted attention
- Answer all their questions honestly
- Provide constant reassurance and love
- Ask extended family or friends for additional support
- Seek outside help or counselling if needed
- Set clear boundaries for behaviour and consequences, but allow some freedom/trust to make healthy choices
- Affirm and validate their feelings
- Encourage a nurturing, comfortable environment at home
- In family breakdown don’t use children as message carriers, and be mindful not to say negative things about the ex- partner in front of children. Ensure that children see both parents as much as possible and can contact/communicate with the non-custodial parent freely, DO NOT make your child choose between parents or take sides.
Bibliography:
Yehl Marta, Suzy. Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope. Rodale. 2004.
Teyber, Edward. Helping Children Cope with Divorce. Jossey-Bass. 2001.