Kid’s will do anything to make things right again. They think they have the power to change or stop what has happened and will attempt to make ‘a deal’ with someone in an effort to postpone or stop the inevitable – e.g. ‘bargain with God’ to reconcile parents or heal a loved one by promising to be good. It usually involves a lot of ‘what if’s’ or ‘if only’.

If, in the past, you told your child that your relationship/marriage breakup was their fault, do apologise. Tell them that, in anger, you lashed out and said things that were untrue and hurtful.  Make sure they understand that the breakup was a result of unresolvable issues between you and your ex-partner. They are not responsible for what happened, nor could they fix it.

Children can experience deep seated rage at what has happened to them – ‘Why me?’ Anger can be displayed in all directions and projected at random. They’re angry at the world, everyone in it, and even God.  Anger usually occurs when the child realises that no amount of bargaining or denial will change their loss event. Anger is normal and essential to experience and express.  However, it needs to be acknowledged and properly channelled to be expressed in a healthy way.  Otherwise, as time goes on   it will intensify and become unmanageable.

Your visitation time with them must be set in stone, or they will quickly lose their trust that you really care for them.  Remember that younger children don’t understand the concept of time projected into the future, so they will find it difficult to be reassured when you say that you will see them in a few days. 

Do not become annoyed by their crying or constant need for reassurance.  Do not give up on your child, even if they get upset when leaving the custodial parent. This can be distressing for you as a parent, but this is because they are frightened that the other parent will abandon them while they are away.

Whether you are the custodial, or non-custodial parent, it might be a good idea to phone your children at specific times (like before bedtime) on the days that you don’t see them to give extra reassurance that you love them and are there for them.

Sometimes a child can feel very isolated in their grief.  This happens when no one talks about their loved one or the loss event in the child’s presence for fear of upsetting them. Some adults honestly believe that not talking about the loss event will help the child get over the trauma quicker. This is not the case, however, because the atmosphere becomes a conspiracy of silence. The child becomes isolated and locked in grief, not knowing to whom he/she can talk to. As a result, the child can withdraw from family, friends, school activities, or hobbies, and may constantly watch TV or play on the computer. Some children form imaginary friends to help them cope.

This natural reaction to grief helps children adjust to their new circumstances. Even a simple loss can make them pine for what is missing. They might ask questions incessantly, or become fixated on death or losing someone.  Often children worry about who’s going to look after them if something happens to their primary carer.  Much patience, love and reassurance is needed to help children navigate this period.

Often, children don’t know where they belong — especially in family breakdown where the foundation of their home is now split apart. Regardless of the circumstances, children have an invisible cord of love to both their parents, so it’s understandable that they often struggle with identity when trying to determine their roles within new family settings. The most well-adjusted children, particularly in family breakdown, will spend lots of time with both parents as well as with extended family and friends.

Children will also tend to ‘act out’ more with the custodial parent. This is because they feel safe to be real about how they are feeling in a familiar environment with the person who spends the most time with them.

Again, children need constant reassurance that you will be there for them, and you won’t be leaving. Do keep them informed in advance of any changes that are imminent. 

Acceptance emerges when a grieving child has sporadically journeyed through the stages of grief, successfully learned to accept the changes created by the loss, and integrated them into his/her daily life. This doesn’t mean that a child thinks what has happened is okay, but rather that he/she has acknowledged the loss and allowed it to become part of his/her life’s history.  This is healthy mourning and can take many years to complete. By accepting a ‘new normal’, the child becomes stronger and assured that ‘life does move forward despite the loss’ and that ‘it can be good again.’